


hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you

by uji_ensaymada (firstlove_latespring)



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Angst, Boo Seungkwan-centric, Friendship, Growing Up, M/M, Mentioned Kim Mingyu/Lee Jihoon | Woozi - Freeform, Mentioned Lee Chan | Dino, Minor Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan, Minor Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Wen Jun Hui | Jun/Xu Ming Hao | The8, Minor Jeon Wonwoo/Lee Seokmin | DK, Movie: Happy Old Year (2019), Moving On, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Break Up, life is hard ya know, more like the attempt towards it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:47:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25681525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firstlove_latespring/pseuds/uji_ensaymada
Summary: Seungkwan comes back after half a year in Berlin and decides to go through all his belongings as he and his roommates plan to part ways as new changes enter their lives. There’s a lot of unpacking and letting go to do. There’s one particular box that carries the weight of all Seungkwan's guilt that has accumulated in the past year: a box of things from his ex-boyfriend, Vernon.Seungkwan wants to return everything to him and carry on with his life, but it's not that easy when the person he's trying to move on from won't let him go.
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Chwe Hansol | Vernon
Kudos: 16
Collections: Director's Cut Fest





	hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you

**Author's Note:**

> thank u to my friends who helped me and encouraged me along the way. and thank u to the organizers for holding this lovely fic fest! it really motivated me to write out this concept and not just let it live in my brain rent free forever HAHA

.・゜゜・ ・゜゜・．

“Wow! This is like a time machine!” Seokmin exclaims, as he sits down next to Seungkwan. Seungkwan had finally located his hard drive from their college years, and opened it up to look at the pictures on it. Seokmin gasps at the picture on the screen. “Look! It’s Soonyoung with his bright red hair!”

“Oh my, why is he wearing a dress?” Seungkwan zooms into the picture. 

Soonyoung is in a royal blue and sunshine yellow dress, a crimson bow is also unnoticeable in his apple colored hair. He’s in the arms of Seokmin, who’s carrying him bridal style, dressed in a coat of armor that looks like it’s actually made of chainmail, a wooden sword at his side. Seungkwan’s absence in the picture could only mean that he was the one taking the photo.

“What’s all this commotion?” Soonyoung asks, as he stalks over from the kitchen. Soonyoung gasps too, a loud and bubbly laugh comes out of his mouth. “I remember this! This was Halloween in our third year. Seokmin and I did a couples costume that year!”

“Oh I think you guys made me dress up as a dwarf that year,” Seungkwan recalls now, puffing his cheeks out. He’s still annoyed even after so many years. Soonyoung laughs again, a delighted sound, and then drapes himself across Seungkwan’s back, pressing a cheek to the side of his head.. 

“I think this was our second Halloween together, but our first one with you,” Seungkwan can feel Soonyoung grin. “We were so obsessed with this anime about Snow White. I think that’s why my hair is that color.”

Seokmin grins at the younger, curly haired version of himself from their university days. “We couldn’t find costumes that were just like the anime so Soonyoung borrowed that dress from his sister and I borrowed mine from the production I was in.”

“I still can’t believe they let you borrow a costume from your King Arthur production,” Seungkwan tells him. He and Soonyoung had all the nights they could to the play because Seokmin was playing the lead. Seungkwan had cried on opening night, and on closing night too.

“Of course they did,” Seokmin flashes a smile at him, wide enough to convince anyone that he has never done anything wrong in his life. “I’m trustworthy as fuck.” 

Soonyoung and Seungkwan both give him matching sounds of acknowledgement and affirmation as they move on and scroll through more of the pictures.

They pass through pictures of their younger years in uni, pausing every now and then to recall a pleasant memory and laugh at the actions of their youth. Seungkwan starts popping up every now and then. He used to be wheat blond, and he swears he still has chemical burns from the four rounds of bleaching he had entrusted to Soonyoung to reach the pretty pale shade.

There’s Seungkwan in the library, captured through a shelf of books. Seokmin and Seungkwan embracing each other, eyes closed and mouths opened wide like they were screaming. Seungkwan and Soonyoung in the bathroom of their old apartment, a bowl of black dye in Seungkwan’s hands while Soonyoung is dressed in a black trash bag to protect his clothes from stains.

“It’s amazing how fast time flies,” Seokmin says when they pause at a picture of him taken from afar at their university’s baseball field. He’s in his baseball uniform, waving with his gloved hand at them, while Jihoon, their friend and the captain of the team that year was behind him, holding up the ball and poised to throw.

“Why are we taking this trip down memory lane?” asks Soonyoung, leaning on the back of Seungkwan’s chair and plopping his chin on the top of his head.

“Seokmin hyung is making me look for this one picture he says I took of him and Wonwoo hyung back when they first started dating,” Seungkwan answers, fingers continuing to swipe through the pictures. Most of them were taken on Seungkwan’s secondhand 70,000 won digital camera but a few are grainier and colored nicely in the way only photos captured in film are. “I think we’re getting close though. Didn’t Soonyoung hyung dye his hair black when you guys broke up?”

“I did!” Soonyoung laughs, timely as they pause at a picture of him with dark hair, hugging a tree at night, probably drunk out of his mind. “I just wanted to be dramatic.”

“And you really were,” Seungkwan reminds me, laughing along with Seokmin. Soonyoung begins to protest but is shut up by a picture of him with dark hair, sitting on Seokmin’s lap. Seokmin’s wearing his varsity letterman jacket, and has one hand on Soonyoung’s waist, and a bottle of beer in his other. Seungkwan chuckles fondly at the bright smile and peace sign college boy Soonyoung is posing for the camera. “And even after you yourself introduced Seokmin hyung to Wonwoo hyung when we went out to drink with him because you said that even though you were sad you wanted to be a good friend to him.”

“My evil plan worked out anyway,” Soonyoung says, with a hearty laugh. The pictures are now a bit crisper and cleaner. Seungkwan makes an appearance, his face in his hands as he gives the camera a tired smile behind the table filled with papers and plastic coffee cups. “You fools fell for it anyway. If I didn’t set you two up, you wouldn’t be getting married soon.”

“That’s right! I’ll acknowledge that!” Seokmin nods vigorously, reaching out to pull at Soonyoung’s elbow so he can kiss it. Soonyoung wriggles in delight at being given affection. “This is why you’re our best man and my favorite ex-boyfriend.”

Seungkwan rolls his eyes as he hears Soonyoung and Seokmin make kissy faces at each other behind him. His hand has started to cramp a little bit. He thought that looking for the picture Seokmin wants would be a breeze, but he underestimated the number of pictures he took back in college. He hasn’t really picked up the habit again, except for a few rolls of film and a handful of photos here and there on his phone that he took during his internship. 

His 500 GB hard drive is almost full of them. He doesn’t remember being this obsessed with documenting his everyday life back in uni. He hasn’t even touched this hard drive recently.

“Oh, oh! You just passed it!” Seokmin tells him, one of his hands reaching out to hold Seungkwan’s wrist. “Go back a few swipes!”

“Alright!” Seungkwan follows suit and swipes back three times before they land on the picture. 

Seokmin and Wonwoo are alone in this shot. Wonwoo’s sitting on a white monobloc chair while Seokmin was standing behind him in a bright yellow sweater, his hands making peace signs on top of Wonwoo’s unsuspecting head. Seungkwan remembers taking this one. He had joked about how awkward they were to each other at the bar the first time they met and then saw them holding hands on the way to class the very next week.

“Oh my, this is so cute!” Seungkwan chirps, zooming in. “You two look like babies! And this was only taken a couple years ago!”

“Wonwoo’s face hasn’t changed one bit!” Soonyoung adds, clapping his hands together. “Will you show this at the wedding?”

The question is met in silence and the two of them look at Seokmin, whose lip is wobbling with big, fat tears streaming down his face. 

“Aigoo, Seokminnie. Don’t cry! Don’t cry!” Soonyoung coos, reaching down to wipe his face with his bare hands. “You haven’t changed either. You’re still so soft hearted.”

“Hyung, stop crying!” Seungkwan demands, already feeling the swell in his chest and the wetness in his eyes, “Or else I’ll start crying! And then Soonyoung hyung will cry too until his nose gets blocked!”

It’s an effective enough plea to make Seokmin laugh and use the inside of his shirt to wipe away the tears on his cheeks. “Okay, okay. For the sake of Soonyoung hyung’s nostrils, I’ll stop.”

“Thank you,” Soonyoung says, the tone of his throat tight as well. “Wow, if you’re like this with just one picture, you’re going to be crying cats and dogs at your wedding.”

“I’m pretty sure the sentence you just said is something you just made up, but yes I agree,” Seungkwan turns in his seat to embrace Seokmin in a tight hug. “I think Wonwoo hyung will cry too.”

“I’m just so happy.” Seokmin’s face puckers up, preparing itself for a fresh wave of tears. “I didn’t think that photos could be this powerful.”

“Awww… Come here,” Soonyoung joins their embrace and wraps his arms around both of them. Seungkwan wipes Seokmin’s face with the soft sleeve of his shirt, while Soonyoung pats him on the head. Both actions make Seokmin smile again, still slightly sniffling but slowly settling down.

“Let’s go through the other pictures. Maybe we’ll see more of fetus Seokmin and Wonwoo,” Seungkwan suggests. They return their attention back to Seungkwan’s laptop as he begins to swipe through the pictures once again.

What comes next is a message of scenery stills from their uni and the places they frequented, and an appearance here and there of their very large friend group. There’s a picture of Jeonghan with long hair pouting at the cake he made ugly by piling frosting onto it. A snap of Jun, Minghao, and Joshua sitting all up in each other’s spaces, sitting side by side with a guitar in the eldest’s arms. Mingyu carrying Jihoon, arms around his legs, while Jihoon’s holding up the first place trophy their team won in his senior year. It’s a mix and match of faces they’ve seen recently, and ones they haven’t seen in a while.

It’s all laughs and smiles between the three of them as they take turns sharing stories of what they remembered. A minor detail can lead to a series of them as they get swept away with the images of yesterday.

They pause at a photo of a boy with dark brown hair, looking down at his bowl of noodles. It’s obviously a candid shot, taken at the little hole in the wall noodle house near campus that they used to frequent for its good food and low prices. But their attention is on the boy in the middle of the frame. The long lashes, strong nose, and broad shoulders are features Seungkwan would recognize in a heartbeat. 

“Oh,” is all Seungkwan manages to say, fingers lifting from the trackpad to cover his mouth in surprise.

“We don’t have to…” Seokmin fumbles for the right words to say, “We can go to the next one.”

But unlike him, Soonyoung doesn’t care to be as cautious. “That’s Vernon, right? Wow, I haven’t seen him in so long. You took this photo, right?”

Seungkwan bites down on his lip, unsure if he should touch his laptop, touch on the topic at hand. “I did. This was on our first date.”

“And you haven’t talked to him yet?” Seokmin asks in a smaller voice, a kinder tone. Seungkwan starts to feel the waves of discomfort wash over his body. Seokmin and Soonyoung are friends to Vernon too, and not just him. “Not since before you left?”

“No, I haven’t,” Seungkwan says. He can feel the pang in his chest bloom into something bigger, making it hard to ignore the biting feeling. He can help the way his throat tightens when he speaks. “I didn’t tell him that I’m back.”

What he doesn’t say is: _I don’t have to. I don’t have to tell him anything anymore._

“Well, he probably already knows,” Soonyoung concludes, pulling away from Seungkwan. Seungkwan feels bad for being a shitty friend to his hyungs by putting a strain on their friendship with Vernon. It’s not like he asked them to cut ties with him but he’s pretty sure neither of them have talked to Vernon in the past six months either.

“He’s probably seen your SNS or maybe one of the hyungs has told him. It’s fine, Seungkwan. You don’t owe him anything,” Seokmin reminds him.

“Right...” Seungkwan’s reply is weak. His throat feels dry, a well-known indication that he’s about to cry. He wishes he could believe in what Seokmin just said, but he knows that he doesn’t have the conviction. Seungkwan owes Vernon so much, too much, he doesn’t even know where it starts or ends.

The three of them remain in silence as Seungkwan returns his fingers to the trackpad in an attempt to escape the burden of having to see the photo. But they’re only met with even more photographs of the man in question.

A photo of Vernon in an all black ensemble at night, his handsome face illuminated by the harsh light of a flash going off too bright and too close. Vernon standing at an awkward distance away from whoever is taking the picture, holding up his hands into a heart. Vernon holding up a Jeju fresh aloe cooling cushion pack with a blank expression. They’re all photos Seungkwan remembers them taking of him when he and Vernon first started dating, joining each other orbits.

“Seungkwan, you still have some of his things, don’t you?” Seokmin asks, as Seungkwan exits the window. He’s trying his best to seem unaffected but he knows that his face is betraying his thoughts. He can feel the worry radiating from Seokmin sitting beside him. “Do you want one of us to return it to him?”

Seungkwan sighs, making a copy of Seokmin and Wonwoo’s photo onto his desktop before ejecting the hard drive. Now he remembers why he hasn’t opened it up in a while. “No, it’s okay. You guys have your own packing to do. I’ll find a way to give them back to him.”

“Will you give it to him in person?” Soonyoung asks, immediately regretting it when he sees the look on Seungkwan’s face when he turns to look up at him. He bends under pressure. “Wait, don’t give it to him in person! Just mail it. Put it all in a box, tape it closed, and mail it to him.”

“I’ll think about it,” Seungkwan nods, sullen at spoiling the good mood they had earlier. But he figures, it’s inevitable. It’s a topic he’s been dancing around even before he left. And he knows he can't continue to act like nothing happened now that he’s back. He can feel Seokmin and Soonyoung exchange a look of concern behind his shoulder.

“I really appreciate that you guys haven’t been pushing me into talking about it,” Seungkwan says in a soft voice, shutting his laptop and gathering his things. “But there is a good reason why Vernon and I broke up before I left for Berlin.”

“We know, Seungkwannie,” Seokmin reassures him with a gentle hand on his shoulder. “We trust you.”

“And when you’re ready to tell us, we’ll be here to listen,” Soonyoung tells him, putting his hand on the other shoulder to match. Somehow, the weight of two hands feels like such a burden on him. The tightness in his throat has traveled down to his chest, sort of like the way a glass feels in your hand when you grip it too hard.

“I know,” Seungkwan says as he gently urges the hands off of him so he can get up and go. Slipping through their fingers once again. Seungkwan is sure they can read him like an open diary, that they can see the distress in the way his face is tense and downturned. His pages are paper that’s been doused in water, but is now all dried up, crinkled and unable to return to what it was before. “Thank you. I really appreciate it. I really do.”

“You’re welcome, Seungkwan. You always are,” Seokmin tries to give him a smile but he doesn’t get one in return.

Without another word, they watch him go, locking himself in his room. Seungkwan feels their heavy gazes on him long after he lies down in his bed and cries.

.・゜゜・ ・゜゜・．

After the previous night’s tension and heartache, Seungkwan decides to distract himself from his own woes and get to work. He can’t linger on the past and its pains if he doesn’t have time to. And so he wakes up early and plans out his day. He goes out for a quick run, comes back to shower and scrub himself from head to toe, and even makes breakfast with whatever’s not in a box yet in their kitchen. He feels proud of himself for being productive and accomplishing so many tasks, and it’s not even 9 yet.

Seungkwan eats his share of the meal, and picks up his vitamins for the day from his little pillbox. He drinks it with the watered down coffee he has in place of his usual iced americano since their espresso maker has been packed up in one of Soonyoung’s boxes. He even puts on a nice, casual outfit to really motivate him to tackle the rest of the day’s tasks.

He picks up a couple of boxes and tape from their communal pile in the living room and heads to his room to really begin packing up his things.

Before leaving for his internship in Berlin, Seungkwan had the assurance of coming home to the apartment he shared with Seokmin and Soonyoung ever since they all graduated from their uni and their on-campus dorm. But upon his arrival just two weeks ago, so much has happened. Seokmin has finally proposed to his enduring love and boyfriend, Wonwoo, and Soonyoung has gotten recommended for a better teaching position at a dance studio on the other side of the city.

The comfort and certainty their friendship has provided had to shift into something less tangible in just a span of a few days. And ever since then, things have been in a frenzy, piling up in boxes, and being won in three way rock-paper-scissors decisions. Their lease was coming to an end anyway, but it doesn’t mean that their friendship will too. Wonwoo and Seokmin have even offered to give Seungkwan the spare room in Wonwoo’s apartment, where Seokmin has decided to move into. 

Seungkwan feels adrift in an ocean of endless possibilities. His internship has gotten him good recommendations and a good entry in his resume and his financial statements are also in the clear, good enough to rent an apartment for one. For the first time, he feels truly alone, but not lonely. He’s single and unattached, looking for a new job and home to call his own. 

But he also hates uncertainty. He misses the times when things were easier and clean cut. The assurance of a home, of the love and safety it provided him.

Half of his things have already been sorted out in their proper categories: clothes, house goods and appliances, trinkets and decor, important documents. Seungkwan is pretty sure he had to throw away 40% of the things he owned, things that didn’t spark joy or weren’t necessary anymore. There was also a pile of things he’s borrowed from his friends, objects that have accumulated over the years. He plans to return them to their rightful owners when he has the time.

It’s almost therapeutic how he goes about the repeated motions of putting things away. Seungkwan is always tempted to linger on an object and allow himself to swim in the memories of it, but he doesn’t have the time for it. He’s got a video call interview in the afternoon and dinner with friends he hasn’t seen yet since he got back. Slowly but surely, most of the things in his closet and desk have been put away, labelled with his name, and carried into the living room. 

It’s past noon when both Soonyoung and Seokmin come out of their rooms with matching bedheads. They eat the breakfast Seungkwan made for them for lunch and decide on their own agenda for the day.

“Wonwoo hyung and I are going to shop for some furniture together,” Seokmin smiles, sticky sweet like the syrup over his pancakes. “We’re thinking of moving to somewhere new before the wedding so we’re going to look for a bigger bed and dining table later.”

“Oh, that’s nice,” Seungkwan’s eyes light up at the mention of Seokmin’s plans. “I wonder what your apartment together will look like. You and Wonwoo hyung have such different styles and tastes.”

“That’s the fun part!” Seokmin says through a mouthful of fruits, “They say that if we manage a whole trip to IKEA without fighting, we’ll be set for life.”

“Oh, could you get me meatballs from there?” Soonyoung asks, munching on the pancake he’s brought up to his mouth with his hands. “I’m going to go to my new place to finalize the contract with the owner.”

“We should have a going away party before Soonyoung hyung leaves,” Seungkwan suggests. It’s still a little sad that they’re finally going their separate ways after living together for so long, but Seungkwan thinks that it was inevitable anyway. 

“Yes! I want all three of us to get wasted together in this apartment one last time!” Soonyoung agrees, suddenly bursting to life. “And we can order from all our favorite places too. One last time.”

“One last time,” Seokmin says, a little wistful already. “Of course, we have to do it.”

“It’s settled then,” Seungkwan says, nodding with a determined look on his face. “We’ll eat from our favorite pizza and chicken places and get wasted together ten days from now.”

The mood between the three of them stays good even though they’re discussing their farewell party. Seokmin and Soonyoung tell Seungkwan that they’ll handle cleaning up. So Seungkwan goes back to his room to resume packing and cleaning.

There’s a pile of things that Seungkwan has been dreading going through. The collection of things has grown in a pile at the foot of his bed, a remembrance of five years of a relationship. Just looking at it makes Seungkwan’s heart ache, but he decides he doesn’t want to delay confronting them any longer. He takes a box and then sits down next to the pile, ready to go through the remains of his relationship with Vernon.

It’s a collection of odd things, trinkets and gifts from his ex-boyfriend. His hands are gentle as they fold up Vernon’s oversized t-shirts and a hoodie that used to be Seungkwan’s favorite item to steal from him. There are CDs in flimsy sleeves, adorned with the songs written Vernon’s handwriting. _Playlists for Boo_ , the marker’s scrawl says, _The Reason Why Opposites Attract_.

He picks up the beloved film camera Vernon got him for his birthday a few years ago, proud that he had gotten it with his salary from his first job post-grad. Art postcards he used to have up on the wall, books on design bought for him, a few precious printed pictures of them together on anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays. 

He feels like deflating at the sight of their graduation picture together. They looked so happy in their togas and chords. Seungkwan is smiling at the camera, holding up the bouquets they got from each other’s families. And Vernon isn’t even looking at the camera, he’s looking at Seungkwan, as he always was.

There’s the small pouch where Seungkwan put away his part of the paired couple rings they got on their first anniversary. It’s a simple silver band, almost unassuming and completely ordinary if it wasn’t for the weight of the memories it held. 

There’s even a beanie in the pile, and it makes Seungkwan smile for even just a moment. Things might not have ended well between them, but Seungkwan can’t just erase all the good and happy memories and shared history he has with Vernon. 

Seungkwan decides to put down his strong front in the privacy of his bedroom and picks up one of Vernon’s shirts to sniff at it. Vernon’s shirt shouldn’t still smell like him, but it does. It still smells like coconut and a deeper and fainter scent of musk. It’s a familiar scent, after all Seungkwan spent years clinging onto Vernon, constantly invading his space. It reminds Seungkwan of long nights in the library, and weekend mornings spent holding onto each other in bed.

Vernon also left behind his favorite mug, a hand painted piece with bright colors and abstract design that reminds Seungkwan of Vernon’s mother’s own paintings. It was a gift Seungkwan gave to Vernon, from an exhibit they went to years ago. The mug has seen them through taxing nights spent studying and talking together, filled up with coffee to sustain them through Seungkwan’s never ending quest for perfectly executed plates and Vernon’s never ending reviewers for his slide tests. 

It feels like it was only yesterday that Seungkwan and Vernon were introduced to each other at their university department’s orientation, both of them trying to politely dodge the drinks their upperclassmen were pouring them and bemoaning the fact that they had to take a natural science class as a requirement. They became quick friends, and the strength of their friendship would be the foundation their relationship as lovers would be built on.

Seungkwan was an industrial design major, while Vernon was one of their department’s rare art history majors. Being both art students who weren’t really art students brought the two of them together in the first place. Dating while in university had been comfortable for both of them. They only started facing a lot more troubles with one another after they graduated. 

Seungkwan sighs to himself. It turned out to be quite nice and fulfilling to go through the things that reminded him of Vernon. He never would have thought that five year’s worth of memories could fit into such a small box. It still stings a little, to talk about his relationship with Vernon in past tense. They were together and now they’re not. They were in love and now Seungkwan doesn’t know for himself if the feeling has truly gone away. Maybe Seungkwan still loves Vernon, and maybe Vernon still loves Seungkwan.

But Seungkwan’s unwilling to keep himself in the past tense either. He can’t bear to carry the heavy feeling in his chest anymore. He wants to throw away the stones weighing him down so he can finally breathe. He’s tired of feeling bad and then feeling bad for feeling bad. He’s tired of being sad and tired about the past. Acceptance needs to happen. He needs to let go.

“Thank you,” he mumbles to the objects in the box. There’s a cold peace that fills his body when he shuts the flaps down and tapes over them, sealing them in along with all the memories and feelings they contain. Guilt is the heaviest thing in the box and Seungkwan can feel like all the way to the post office and back.

.・゜゜・ ・゜゜・．

**Author's Note:**

> i just love love love the film happy old year (2019) by nawapol thamrongrattanarit. this is the [trailer](https://youtu.be/Qu5aQeh7VT0) and it's still up on netflix if u want to watch it!
> 
> and thank u for reading! i will publish the rest of this after my summer classes end. pinky promise!
> 
> find me on my writing twt [@honeydokyeom](https://mobile.twitter.com/honeydokyeom)


End file.
